It's almost the end of the school year, in these parts, and we are inundated with thank you gifts and notes for teachers, coaches and Scout leaders. As much of as hassle as these tasks may seem to time-pressed working moms and dads, they're an important way to express our gratitude to those adults who spend countless hours teaching, guiding and connecting with our precious offspring. Don't let them fall off the bottom of your to-do list because it's a busy time of year.
I used to absolutely hate thank you notes. As a child and young adult, it was a painful chore that I dreaded. When my children were younger, it seemed impossible to get even a small picture colored as a thank you to relatives near and far. But as I've seen the lengths to which caring adults influence my children, I appreciate the importance of these seemingly small gestures all the more.
This year I understand the impact of thank you notes more keenly because I was the recipient of two especially nice gestures. In the first case, I volunteered in school to teach math to a small group of second graders for a half hour a week this year. Each child wrote me a sincere note of thanks about what that time meant to me, and it truly touched my heart! In the second, the Girl Scout troops that I led into the woods gave me a generous gift card and note of thanks, which made the long hours of planning (and the sleepless night in a tent) seem absolutely worthwhile.
Of course, you may say that it's the teacher's job or the coach's job to instruct our children, unlike my volunteer service. I'd simply point out that anybody who works with children earns far less for their time than they could make in countless private sector jobs. The smallest way to make up for that sacrifice is to take 15 minutes to sit with your child to write a note, or even spend a couple of hours putting together a photo book or montage of the year's activities.
Have you seen creative or unique ways to thank a teacher at this time of year, before you leap into the summer plan? Please share your ideas in the comment section.
This year, it seemed as if Mother's Day arrived early. From the grocery store to Facebook feeds, greetings abounded.
Personally, I'm looking forward to being pampered on Sunday. Hopefully my husband will try out one of these recipes from American Food Root's amazing collection of Mom-related culinary memories. I've already been the grateful recipient of a dozen roses. (See what I mean about the holiday arriving early?)
What are your plans for the Mother's Day weekend? Do you consider it a useless Hallmark holiday? Or, like me, are you a sucker for the one day each year that you can insist on being treated like a princess?
How did you observe Equal Pay Day yesterday? I was chained to a computer all day, then made the mad dash to the after-school homework and dinner routine. So, pretty much business as usual.
There's been a surprising amount of action in Washington D.C. on equal pay for women. The Paycheck Fairness Act fell just six votes short of passing the Senate yesterday, the same day that President Obama prohibited federal contractors from retaliating against employees for discussion compensation and ordered new pay regulations for contractors to collect and give the Labor Department pay data by sex and race.
There's hot debate over exactly how much more men are paid than women for performing the same job. But all the data show that there is a undeniable gender pay gap, which expands to a chasm when you compare working mothers and fathers. (What social scientists call the motherhood penalty.)
The White House has made equal pay for women a priority this year. Republicans contend that it's a political ploy to put Democrats in a more favorable position. Where do you fall in the debate over whether this situation is a problem -- and what the fix should be?
Actor and lifestyle maven Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines last week with the announcement of her upcoming divorce from Coldplay front man Chris Martin after more than a decade of marriage. But the biggest uproar came over her ill-advised comments that her experience working as a movie star is harder than other working moms' office jobs.
Let's leave aside the misguided nature of a multi-millionaire celebrity saying she's disadvantaged compared to the less-well-shod women who shell out $11 a ticket to see her movies. Her comments have been keenly dissected and by others. I'd like to address the underlying fallacy, that having an office job is as simple as showing up at 9 a.m. and leaving at 5 p.m.
Any professional working mom knows this is a crock. It's not showing your face for eight hours that matters, it's accomplishing the tasks of your job, building relationships with your boss and co-workers, prioritizing short and long term priorities, and sidestepping the landmines hidden in any workplace's landscape. We all do this dance every day, and it typically leaves us exhausted, as documented by gender scholars such as Joan C. Williams.
What are the things about your simple office job that make it challenging?
It's the time of year for self evaluations at work. Instead of dreading it, think of the opportunity you have to set an example of self appraisal for your children! Just as we look back at our performance and identify areas of strength and need for improvement, so can they.
My second grader's teacher sends home a feedback journal every Friday for the children to receive input from the teacher or parent and set goals for the coming week. My fourth grader has a box for "goals" on the planner the school distributed, and has been independently using it for personal improvement. With these examples of self appraisal and forward momentum, how can I avoid doing the same?
Do you have a self evaluation at work in your future? Or have you already completed that annual exercise in introspection?
For the first 45 minutes of reading Brigid Schulte's book Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time, I was engrossed. I did nothing but read and take notes. I soon learned that I was using a strategy that she uncovers in her exhaustive reporting on the time pressure that working moms and dads across the country feel in juggling home and work responsibilities: pulsing. That's 30, 45, 60 or 90 minutes of intensely focusing on one activity, for maximal productivity.
But soon enough, the phone rang and interrupted my reverie. Then I remembered I had forgotten to send an email to my daughter's Odyssey of the Mind team, which I coach. And the spell was broken. Such is the life of a working mom, or any modern worker, really, with time chopped up into confetti by the many demands placed on us.
Schulte, a Washington Post staff writer, takes a journey from time confetti to time serenity in Overwhelmed, a painstakingly researched investigation of the overload that many families face. In the vein of Katrina Alcorn's book Maxed Out, she combines memoir with facts, figures and stories about other people and organizations. It's a compelling read, and powerful indictment of our busy-for-the-sake-of-it society.
If you read the book, please let me know what you think!
"The grass is greener" doesn't hold just for working moms and stay-at-home moms eyeing each others' stain-free grownup outfits and leisurely walks home from school with envy. It's true for kids as well.
The other day I was herding a group of children out of an elementary school classroom after an enrichment meeting, dropping off some at the on-site after care and leading the others for pickup by their stay-at-home parents at the school's front door. One little girl looked wistfully at the kids joining the after care activities and said she wished she could go to after school care. "But my mom doesn't work," she concluded sadly.
Maybe we working moms aren't the only ones getting guilt from our children or our internal voices. Instead of guilt from missing our kids' soccer practices or not baking cookies after school, stay-at-home moms may feel bad about family finances, not keeping the house clean enough or the like. Neither of these guilt-ridden perspectives should take hold, in my opinion. We make the best choice for our family and ourselves, and then live with the consequences. If fallout becomes more than we bargained for, we make different choices.
Each person has a different yardstick to measure her worth as a parent, and it works best when you're the one doing the judging. We each have our own list of things that make us a good mom: hopefully the ones that count. The more I've been a mother, the more I refine that list and fit it to my values and my family's values.
What's your recipe for being a good parent? Is it getting home for family dinner most nights? Or traveling for work only twice a month? Perhaps it's not measured by numbers, but knowing that you're the one that your daughter confides in when troubled, or seeks out for a hug when upset. It's a deeply personal question, and one that we should answer for ourselves -- not based on what the others think.
The nightly tussle over the homework is a familiar scene in many a household. You know the drill. The kid resists sitting down at the beautifully organized homework center. The parent gently reminds while cooking dinner and simultaneously taking a work call. The kid drags his heels. The parent develops a splitting headache and loses his or her cool entirely.
Sound familiar? If not, you're probably one of those parents whose children independently complete their homework the instant the door slams shut behind them after school, then ask if they can help set the table. Yes, we all hate you.
For the rest of us, there comes a time when we ask, "Whose homework is it anyway?" It's easy to get caught up in what the teacher thinks of our parenting and to expect perfection from our children in the to-do lists we create for them. The homework is really their business. While we have an obligation as parents to carve out time in the schedule for homework and give them a quiet place to do it, they're the ones who benefit from completing homework problems - or suffer when they neglect the obligation.
For working parents, there's the extra challenge of creating a consistent homework routine when children are in aftercare or with a babysitter. How do you balancing your responsibility as a parent to facilitate homework with the reality that it's ultimately the kids' obligation?
Do you ever wonder, "Is it me?" when you run into a roadblock at work? Academic Joan Williams is here to tell you that it's not all in your head. A new book What Works for Women at Work, written with her daughter Rachel Dempsey, dissects the four ways that gender bias undermines working women, and gives a range of options for fighting back.
For an article for Working Mother on the book, I spoke with nearly a dozen high-ranking executive women, all of whom had experienced one or more of the four barriers. Fortunately, they all had overcome them -- giving hope to us all that with some savvy, we can also surmount these obstacles. Hint: becoming defensive and bitter doesn't help.
How have you found that being a women -- and a mother -- has held you back at work? What strategies have you found to climb the career ladder successfully?
A recent Pew survey found that 40 percent of U.S. households with children are headed by a breadwinner mom, that is, a woman who earns more than half of the household income. And a new poll by Working Mother Media gives us insight into who those breadwinner moms are: only 29 percent became the top earner in the family by choice, versus 59 percent of the breadwinner dads. Only 46 percent are pleased by that circumstance, versus 75 percent of fathers.
The reasons behind those feelings aren't hard to discern. A majority of both breadwinning moms (74 percent) and dads (72 percent) believe that society feels more comfortable with men being the primary earner. Two-thirds of breadwinner moms are single mothers. Only 60 percent of breadwinner moms are happy with the division of household chores, versus 76 percent of dads. Still, 72 percent of the moms surveyed are happy with their relationship, as are 80 percent of the dads.
When my husband and I first got married, he was starting his own business and I supported the family for a couple of years. A few career changes later, he's the breadwinner, although we couldn't survive without my income as well. Throughout it all, we've divided chores, child care and other tasks based on who has the time and expertise needed -- which I feel is a fair method. I've never felt that who makes more money affects who has more power in the marriage.
How is the earning power divided in your household? Do you feel it influences your relationship?