In Praise of Dr. Laura, Kind of
I'm an advocate for working moms. And I love Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I listen to Dr. Laura's talk show regularly; I attended and enjoyed her one-woman show; I've read several of her books and even given them as gifts.
Yes, I realize this is a bit of a contradiction given her take on working moms and child care. The thing is, I agree with Dr. Laura's message that we adults should be responsible for our choices and their outcomes. I concur that gender differences are real and too-infrequently acknowledged in our society. I simply turn down the radio volume when she goes on a rant about how working moms are selfish for turning over our children for strangers to raise.
Unfortunately, Dr. Laura is a smart, articulate, convincing woman. And now that she's released a book called, "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms," I feel that I should address some of the mistakes in Dr. Laura's world view.
Here's the short version of my counter argument. Working moms can be hands-on mothers who meet their children's needs. Children need their dads, and when moms are 100 percent in charge of the kids, dads are often sidelined. Women shouldn't have to put their careers on hold for 18 years or more in order to have a moral right to procreate.
Don't get me wrong, I admire stay-at-home moms too and think they deserve all the support they can get -- from Dr. Laura or others. But I don't want anyone to glorify the choice to stay home with children at the expense of the majority of U.S. mothers with minor children at home, who work for pay.
Have you read the book or listened to Dr. Laura's talk show? I'd love to hear your perspective!
Photo by Kenji
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It’s true that blanket statements are unfair and don’t represent real families; however, fair, balanced, useful and reasonable discussions about the issues (such as your blog post and articles) don’t get as much attention or sell as many books. Thanks, Katherine, for taking the time to bring us back to reality and remind us of the importance of being supportive instead of judging or feeling guilty.
You make an interesting argument, but I don’t think I can get past the hypocritical Dr. Laura stuff to find whatever gems she might have.
I don’t understand why staying at home with your children should not be glorified? Usually we refuse to glorify criminal or “bad” behaviors. I don’t agree that anyone can be “made” to feel any certain way about their own choices unless they already feel bad about them. Most of the stay-at-home mothers that I know or have known have struggled financially and some have found a creative way to make money while being available to their children at all times. Many of us have made conscious choices about money and spending and what really IS necessary because it IS important to us to be at home when our children are small. Yes, many of us gave up careers and in some cases, half of the family’s income in order to do so. None of that discounts what mothers who work outside of the home do, but please don’t discount what it takes to run a household 24/7.
Our children are only small for a very short time. I’ve known many mothers who were at home for five (not 18) years with their child and once they were in kindergarten, went back to work. It’s a myth that employers look down on that. These days, more and more mothers ARE staying home with their babies and although mothers who are willing to leave their six-week-old babies to go back to work make it harder for those of us who wouldn’t dream of it because employers see that some women WILL do it while most recognize that it’s far too young and they are still nursing all day and needing that constant closeness with mom. It’s not forever, but it IS longer than six or eight weeks that babies deserve to have their mother’s undivided attention.
I am really tired of listening to mothers lament at how their babies aren’t fitting into THEIR lives the way that they’d like or that they don’t WANT to have to give up any of their career to have children. I don’t understand the push to have children if you are not able to or interested in staying home with them, at least for the formative years. What is the benefit? To see photos of the first step? To hear about when they said their first word? To hear about what they do all day, but not to have firsthand knowledge? Honestly, if your career is one that you cannot be away for five years to care for your child, perhaps it’s a good idea to consider not having them. It’s a perfectly valid choice.
You could, of course, choose to go back to work after you have your child and leave the care and nurturing of your child to someone else, but please stop blaming others for “making” you feel guilty, because we all need to be responsible for our own feelings and reactions.
How is Dr. Laura hypocritical? She didn’t leave her child in daycare when she worked. She worked during hours where her child was being cared for by daddy and after he was in school, during school hours.
She’s always admitted to not always having made the best choices, but a hypocrite is one who continues to do those things while telling others not to, not one who has done them before and can attest that they weren’t the best choices.
As parents, we will be telling our children not to do LOTS of things that we have done before. That doesn’t make us hypocritical, it makes us wiser than we were before.
You can’t have it both ways. You either think that staying home and rearing children is worth supporting 100% and glorify that choice or you don’t. One cannot be in 2 places at once.
My wife is a stay at home mother. Her entire day and much of her night is all about our two children. She takes care of them and runs our house. She supports me and is the center of our families universe. Our kids have never seen the inside of a daycare, and one of us will have to die before that changes. I know that it takes a special kind of person, a real mother, to stay at home and do the things she does. I am damn proud of the fact that my children are being reared by us, not by some minimum wage daycare worker who is not invested in them.
I am also my children’s father and dad. I am in no way sidelined, in fact I am more involved in my kids lives than many dad’s with working wives. My wife works harder that anyone I know. She deserves, earns and needs a break. I am there to give her that break and I get to play with my boys and teach them how to be men while she recharges. She needs my help, and I am there to give it to her.
Nothing makes me feel like more of a man than to have my wife take care of us all, nothing makes my wife feel like more of a woman than to have her man work for the food we eat and the roof we sleep under. Nothing gives me greater joy than to know that my children are under the care of the person best suited and most motivated to love and nurture them, their mother.
As for me and my house, we will rear our own children. They will grow up KNOWING that mommy will always be there, because she always has been.
By the way, she asked to stay home and be a mom. Nothing could be more glorious than that.
I don’t think it’s fair to say that a mother who works outside of the home isn’t a “real” mother, Jim. Those are the kind of statements that keep these “mommy wars” going, and regardless of which “side” of those you’re on, women are ALL tired of them.
I have read other blogs and articles on this network and I am seeing SO MUCH talk about this book, but I don’t quite understand why you’d pick up a a book called “In Praise of Stay-at-Home Mothers” and think that she’s going to validate your choice to work at home. I don’t read books that promote lifestyles that I don’t live or don’t agree with and expect to read what I want to read or to agree with the content.
If you are prone to guilt regarding your choices, it just seems like a good idea to stick to books and publications that you know or think will support YOUR choices.
I did not work when my children were babies or toddlers. When my youngest was three, I went back to college and then became a working mother. After my children were grown, I asked them whether they thought it had been detrimental to them. They were adamant that they had always been very proud of my successes in college and in my career. My two girls were especially emphatic that I had done the right thing by setting an example that women need not be limited by their gender. I also believe that working outside the home is valuable in building self esteem. My own mother never worked outside the home until we children were grown, but when she did start working, she became more confident and outgoing. I can’t help believing that she might have been a happier person if she had had a career. Whether they are working moms or stay-at-home moms, mothers who are happy in their roles will be better mothers.
Whether a mother works outside the home full-time, part-time or not at home is a personal choice. There are many, many children who are happy and flourishing in their lives and have mother’s that are not home with them 100% of the time. There are also kids who struggle and are not happy and have mother’s who are home 100% of the time.
I think it’s important to clarify that there are many options between being a full-time stay-at-home mom and working outside the home 40+ hours a week. From my experience of working and talking with many, many professional women, turned moms, what matters most is how each individual feels about her choice rather then the actual choice. If she feels good about her choice and is committed to making the best out of it and enjoy it as best she can, then the kids benefit. However, I have also seen the impact of women making a choice that didn’t feel right for her and how that unhappiness (whether it was staying home or not) negatively impacts the kids. Kids pick up on our emotions and attitudes. We are constantly modeling for them by our actions and our attitudes. Let’s focus less on whether there is just one choice that is right vs. wrong for all moms and instead allow women (and men) the opportunity to explore their options, decide what option is best for them and their family at the different stages of motherhood, and then support them in being successful and fulfilled, no matter what.
My son is an only child. Until he was 2, only family members cared for him — my husband, my mother, my father, my mother-in-law and me. When my son turned 2, we decided to put him in a NAEYC-approved day care/pre-school 2 days a week so he would learn to socialize with other children, learn to trust teachers and be exposed to many more activities than we could provide him on our own. We would have done that whether my husband or I were a stay-at-home parent or not. We felt having a controlled environment with accredited teachers would be good practice for when he would have to go to public school.
Our son blossomed in the day care environment. He made tons of friends and for the first time engaged in group play. We had tried previously to get him to play with other kids — children of friends, Gymboree, etc. — but he had never wanted to do so. Putting our son in day care was the best decision we ever made. I do not have a shred of “working mom’s guilt.” I know others enjoy being full-time caretakers for their children and I’m delighted for them. But other choices are equally valid. I do not believe my son would have such developed social skills if we had not put him in pre-school.
It’s refreshing to read so many thoughtful and passionate responses about the subject. It just confirms that this is a personal choice. I felt like I was reading about myself when Katherine wrote, “I’ve stayed home full time, worked full time, worked part time and worked from home. I don’t believe any single solution works best for all mothers, fathers, children or families. The right choice will change depending on the stage of your career, your child’s age and many other factors.”
It certainly did for me.
Sorry, Moms can’t possibly meet their children’s needs when they are not there to meet them. No one ever thinks to work at their careers either full time or part time while the children sleep. It is only until the kids are in school, not 18 years unless they are born 13 years apart!
Moms who sideline Dad are foolish women. That is a blessed break to let Dad play with his children and teach them what he knows.
None of Dr. Laura’s comments have disrespected working Moms. She is only praising those who make the sacrifice financially and personally to stay with their kids. One sentence stands out: Why would any woman want to believe that her love, hugs, care, presence could be replaced by hired help? I might add minimum wage help, at that!
Working moms…you are carrying a heavy load! That has always been admired. Stay at home moms are called lazy, stupid and unmotivated for making that choice. They deserve admiration too.
I stayed home until my kids went to 1st grade. My son is 28 now and the last time he went to the ER for stitches (don’t ask!) he called ME… his mom, not a teacher, youth counselor, or anyone else who collects a paycheck…And I was happy to take time off work to be there for him. It’s nice to know I’m STILL needed!
I’ve listened to Dr. Laura on occasion, but haven’t read her new book. I am by choice a stay at home dad, and having now done the job that many regard as a role best filled by mothers, I can at least agree with the title of her book that stay at home moms deserve our praise. It is extremely difficult work.
If Dr. Laura has publicly revealed her thoughts on stay at home dads, I am not aware of them. One wonders if she would be as supportive of my choice to stay home as she has been when mothers make that choice.
I wrote a humor book that I am quite proud of about my time as a stay at home dad and when the book has received newspaper and television publicity, I’ve been constantly amazed at the vicious attacks that strangers have posted on web sites regarding my choice. Many of the attacks are along the lines of me being lazy and needing to get a “real job”. If this is what stay at home mothers have been putting up with, its time for me to call my mom and thank her for staying home when I was a kid.
T.J. McKenna
T.J., many a stay-at-home dad calls into her show and she’s never said word one about it because she believes that a parent needs to be home with the children. Now biologically, it would stand to reason that until weaning age (the American Academy of Pediatrics puts that at about 12 months), mom would need to be nearby or at least have a job that made it possible for her to pump milk on a very frequent basis or something like that, but there’s no substitute for getting it straight from mom because it’s not JUST about food, but about bonding and all of the hormonal changes that breastfeeding induces that keep both mom and baby on track. That’s sort of another issue. It doesn’t seem to me that dad could provide that “nursing” relationship, but having dad at home is better than having a bottle propped by a daycare provider (some do this, some don’t) because they’ve got lots of other kids to tend to, which is the case SOMETIMES.
I know that this isn’t really the audience that is going to acknowledge this, but stay at home moms don’t get a whole lot of respect because in our culture, money equals respect, earnability equals respect. Raising the people that are going to be running this country one day, for some reason, does not equal respect. I see working moms picking up and reading a book called “In Praise of Stay at Home Moms” and I wonder WHY they are reading it. WHAT are they hoping to get out of it, particularly when there are many a blog post and thread here about all of the reasons that you DON’T want to be home with your children and “10 things that are great about working outside the home”. Why can’t there be a “10 things that are great about being home with your kids”? Why is THAT off limits?
I just wrote an article about this ( http://bit.ly/154ad). I wholeheartedly agree that stay-at-home moms deserve praise and recognition and I have no issues with a book that provides that. What I have a problem with is statements like working mothers are not “real mothers”, working mothers are not raising their own children, working mothers should feel guilty, working mothers are selfish and materialistic, etc. That’s not about praising anyone…it may be an attempt to make one group feel better at the expense of another, but it’s not genuine praise.
I am a single mother to two preschoolers. I have no choice but to work. Of course, Dr. Laura would say that it’s my fault that I’m single (and she’s right…I made a bad choice and now I’m doing the best I can to make it right and make the best possible life for the two innocent souls I brought into this world! Should I have put them up for adoption when their cheating abusive father left? Or should I have sat back and collected welfare until they started school?) I can tell you that my marriage took a drastic turn for the worst when my first son was born and I quit my job. I was miserable for a lot of reasons, my husband had no respect for me, everything went to Hell. I love my children more than life, but having me stay at home did not work for our family. I went back to work part time (working from home) and we were all much happier. Now that I’m single again, I’m back to working full time (and doing freelance work on the side to make ends meet). I don’t feel bad about that for one minute. I am more involved with my children than any parent I know, stay-at-home or working. My boys are very securely attached to me and are generally just beautiful children. They love going to preschool and they love coming home to me. I don’t need Dr. Laura to validate my choices, I know in my heart that I’m doing the right thing for my family and my children reinforce that every day.
As for why a working mom would even look at a book like this, I think that all mothers are under-appreciated in our society and I think that all mothers deserve a little praise now and then. Having stayed at home, I know that SAHMs do get a bad rap and don’t even have the external validation of annual reviews and such. I hoped that this book would be about genuinely praising the sacrifices that mothers make but it’s not. It’s about pitting one mother against another and making money from the conflict. It’s just plain sad.
By the way, T.J., Dr. Laura was asked in an interview recently (either with the Wall Street Journal or the one on the Today Show) about stay at home dads. She said emphatically that for the first three years, it must be the mother that stays home and after that it’s a toss-up.
The majority of of parents make the best decisions they can for their families. Contrary what critics may say, many working families need both parents working to provide an adequate home, health insurance, and other essentials. We all do the best we can with our life circumstances.
Thanks Barbara, I was not aware that Dr. Laura had said that. I guess in her view our family has been making a mistake for the last 3 years. I must say, I have a hard time seeing that time as a mistake when my son and I are together. I can’t imagine a child being more fully bonded to a parent than he is to me and I think he has been just as nurtured as he would have been had my wife been at home.
It is definitely true that our kids have fewer material things than their peers due to our decision, but is not having a Wii really a bad thing?
Others can differ all they want, we made the best choice for our family and have no regrets.
Author T.J. McKenna
A very well written article. For the last few days, I’ve been struggling with Dr. Laura’s comments and this book. Her interview with Meredith Viera on the Today show was painful to watch. (The pink boots didn’t help!) But with 4 kids coupled with some extended family challenges, my goal for the last 20 years has been to work hard and smart while trying to be generous with my time, money and love. Life is not easy. There are talented women out there who lead, mentor and teach. I will continue to seek them out but as for Dr. Laura, no more.
I heard Dr. Laura say on a video about her new book THAT THERE IS NO DATA, NO RESEARCH AND NO ARGUMENT IN HER NEW BOOK.
This is only a feel good book.
Who has a problem with anyone who helps make a SAHM feel good?
I do question why she says she is licensed when she is no longer licensed. I would like to see a reputable investigative journalist get to the bottom of this. We think she was licensed 20 years ago. Why can’t she say she was once licensed in past decades? Why does she pretend her license is current?
I agree with praising mothers. I don’t agree with her example of abandoning her mother who had an emotional or mental disorder. I hope Yolanda Schlessinger gets praise in this book, so she wasn’t perfect in Dr. Laura’s eyes? Isn’t it time she gets over that?
Very interesting commentary. Of course, the personal attacks on me display guilty defensiveness instead of opinion about the subject. My MFCC (MC14914)license in state of California is active; my mother rejected her whole family and retreated to isolation…sad loss for us all; a mother’s full time work leaves someone else to do the mothering and hired help cannot replace a mother’s love and attention…that is a “choice” which leaves both mother and child missing something sacred, unforgettable, necessary, and ultimately very rewarding. Thank you for this opportunity…and, oh yes, De Ann/DeAnna…cyber-stalking is the best use of your life/day? Way too sad.
Dr. Laura,
Your family is not alone, there are many with a relation who has a troubled soul. I’m sorry for your family, your story about your SAHM mother, it is a sad loss as you say. I feel most of all for your son, I read he never met his own Nanna. You are blessed if he doesn’t go too fast over speed bumps, as some children that grow up with sadness and loss are careless. There are families that would have struggled to have an elderly mother like yours watched over, she would not have had to know anyone kept tabs on her. In all respect, not everyone buys your excuses. That’s not meant as an attack. It is the way it is. This is America where people go the limit for negative old parents, this is America where people are allowed opinions. Your family is in the news and you have a choice to address what the press reports or not. Your response to your sad loss did not help your image in everyone’s eyes. I did not know about your sad loss until someone pointed this out. I’m not alone when I say it would be worthwhile if you were able to clear the air on the subject of your abandoned SAHM.
Are you saying the only thing to discuss is opinion on SAHM praises, the subject of the book, as you see it?
Discussions on why people write the books they write is sometimes more fascinating then the book they write.
You made a good point to praise SAHM. I believe everyone agrees. We can continue to praise and to move on.
The book is about SAHMS. Your mother was a SAHM. You mention your own SAHM in your book about praising SAHMS.
There are those that see SAHM as on subject.
Congratulations on the active license. I would appreciate a detailed explanation of the years your license came up inactive. This would be an excellent blog subject where you could clear up everything about your licensing and the titles you used over your long radio career. Open yourself up to a wider range of humanity.
I’m not sure what you’re getting at with the cyber-stalking comment. What do you mean? Do you alone decide who is cyber-stalking? You’re a busy person and you have time to troll for cyber-stalking?
Thank you for a comment and I am sorry for your whole family and their sad loss.
I agree! It’s so interesting to hear you say that you love Dr L yet also disagree with her. I do too! I agree with everything you wrote here. Dads are so important and I don’t think Dr L gives them enough credit (a critique I have also of the Attachment Parenting movement, despite Dr Sears being at its fore.)
Thank you thank you thank you for writing about this!