Are American mothers alone in experiencing working moms guilt? The question arose as the result of a fascinating conversation I had with Tami Kremer-Sadlik, director of research at the Center on Everyday Lives of Families at the University of California, Los Angeles, during last week's Focus on Workplace Flexibility conference at Georgetown University Law Center. The center's observations of every minute of middle-class families' days sparked headlines earlier this year for the intimate picture they drew of their interactions and work-life balance travails -- a research method somewhat borrowed from reality television.
Kremer-Sadlik told me that she had compared American families with counterparts in Italy and found that while both sets of parents had similar values and goals for their families, the U.S. parents blamed themselves when they fell short of the mark, whereas Italian parents were more likely to attribute such disappointments to external forces. "Only the Americans, and here I am talking mostly about mothers, expressed guilt when work-life balance was not achieved," she said, noting that U.S. moms were more likely to link questions about overwork to the health and well-being of their children.
Other differences she highlighted were the higher cost of child care in the U.S. and the greater number of activities included in the longer European school day. Perhaps as a result, U.S. parents put more pressure on their kids to participate and succeed in sports and do more juggling of after-school activities. I'm still sorting through my notes -- and a number of new research studies -- from the conference, and will highlight interesting tidbits as much as I can.
In my conversations with mothers from other countries and cultures, I never thought to ask whether they feel guilty about the effect of work-life balance struggles on their children. You can bet I will ask in the future. Do you notice a difference in your cross-cultural friends and acquaintances? Or if your home country is more forgiving of working moms, please share your story!
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I’ve never experienced “working mom’s guilt,” and I am not sure I even understand the concept. Both my parents worked outside the home full-time when I was growing up (I was born in 1969), and I always assumed that was normal for families. I had relatives and lots of neighbors watching out for me and my brother when my parents weren’t around. Maybe that sense of community is also a factor in my lack of “guilt.”
Working moms’ “guilt” is not owned by American mothers. My mother worked in India when we were younger and after all these years she still blames herself for not being there at all times in our life. This even when we were living with grand parents (automatic child care), were able to walk to our after school activities, and were involved in many many of them, and had home cooked food every day of the week for the first 20-22 years of our lives.
Given the study only compared two countries, why not say Italians tend to blame others rather than say Americans tend to blame themselves?
I don’t believe that the guilt trip is an exclusively American phenomenon and there are vast differences in school systems and after school care arrangements across Europe.
At a recent workshop I ran in Paris for the Women’s International Networking group many of the participants told me that they still felt guilty, despite having discussed all the BENEFITS working women bring to their families, esp the kids – kids learn independence and social skills; they learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them and they learning by SEEING a team in action!
Did our mothers pamper us? Did their whole lives revolve around us? This certainly didn’t happen in my family and I’m very thankful for that (my mother was ill). I was loved and confidence was instilled in me. This is the important part of parenting – it can happen in families where mothers work inside or outside of the home.
So how about me, you ask? Did I suffer from the guilt trip having pursued a demanding career in international finance and raised children (now 24, and 21). No, I did not. That’s not to say I wish I couldn’t have been to more hockey games and other events, but that’s life – you simply can’t be everywhere and do everything. How did the kids turn out? They are wonderfully responsible and caring young adults.
Somehow we’ve common sense has been lost in today’s views about what’s best for the kids.